This is where a witty title would go if I had one.

April 11, 2013

So I'm sitting here right now with a mix of egg yolks and coconut oil running down my face with the promise of beautiful long hair. While it sounds promising, I can help but be constantly interrupted from typing by it. I also have the Beatles song "Don't Let Me Down" stuck in my head at the moment, while it's all fun and games now I am going to hate that it is on mental replay at 3am. (which typing 3am I immediately swapped to Matchbox 20's 3am)

If you haven't downloaded the Timehop app yet I highly suggest it. For someone who has been on social media for 10 years now it is fun to see what it pulls up, so far nothing farther than 7 years ago. Most of the time it brings up happy memories, others not so much. I imagine after a full year of this app I will see the wave of emotions the past ten years have brought.

Today it reminded me of something from a few years ago, that I seem to be forced to relive yet again ::

Job interview, big woopty right? Well that was the interview for the job I have now. Two years ago I was married and living 5 hours away from Jeremy and hoping I would find a job. Somehow I did. Oh I should say "God's how I found that job." That day I went to my then current teaching position, administered the math part of the LEAP test to my students, drove 5 hours, interviewed, said hey to Jeremy, drove back, got stuck in traffic at 2 am, and got up at 5 to drive to work and give my kids the LEAP test the next day. 

Who knew at the end of that tweet that it would really be worth it. I was told by my then principal that no one would hire me, then again she hated my guts for every reason under the sun. How someone gets perfect scores from their internship supervisor and low balled by their principal just blows my mind. Lucky for me they didn't take that crazy lady's observations to heart and hired me based on my credentials. 

Now two years later I am back begging for jobs and hoping someone can see through the mess of what this years standardized test scores look like and hire me anyway.

We just finished day 3 of LEAP and if you are reading this I am now on the final day 4. I am quite the Polly Anna when it comes to testing, and have been miserable this whole week. On Wednesday we didn't finish testing until 2:40ish. The other 4th graders were done way before, the 4th graders at my Mom's school were done way before...only a few of the kids where Jeremy was were tying for the finish with us. I'm glad they took their time on it, but one can only walk in so many circles without any entertainment for so many hours. 

These are the things that make me think I'm not cut out for elementary, that I should get certified in High School history. Maybe even a move back to 5th grade would do me some good, 4th graders are just slightly too baby for my patience. Love them most days, but it wares me down. Kids are just hard sometimes, especially when you understand just how important a test is and they don't seem to care about it's value as much as you. Honestly, it's made me mean. Between the maturity level of 4th graders, everything the state of Louisiana is throwing at us, district expectations, and life....I've become that jaded teacher with zero patience. 

It is also the end of the year, and that could have a lot to do with it. I just need things to settle. I need to know where I will be next year. I need to know where I will live. 

I want to know what my salary will be. I want more living space. I want Jeremy to get a paid internship so we can focus on paying off cars and student loans. I want to go shopping freely. I want to go on a nice vacation and just be alone. I want to be selfish honestly. I want time. I want more money. 

I'm wishing this season of life away like it's attached to a dandelion. 

Judge if you must. 

But I feel like I am in a season that I desperately need someone other than my teacher mother and psychology husband to fully grasp and say they get it. I guess I just need the insanity validated. 

After 10 years of psychology text books sitting on my kitchen table, it is finally all about to come to a close for now. Jeremy takes Comps Friday, then God willing he will get invited back for Orals after that. Next he takes the Praxis (for school psychs), which he says the questions seem a little nuts. I reminded him the PLT looked awful but I passed way ahead of what I needed anyway. I have a lot of confidence in this man, I don't know of much he has failed at in life. All due in part to his insane intrinsic motivation. 

I'm burned out right now and I'm done with graduate school, poor thing is just as worn out and is just starting to reach the light. While I really wanted to work on a specialist or tack something on sometime soon, I just don't think I'll be doing that anytime soon. 

This girl needs a break.