Death from the Ankles Down

May 25, 2012

Growing up we only had big dogs, my dad was never a fan of the tiny dogs. So as expected I dreamed of having my own small dog for years. About 6 years ago I got Ellie. It wasn't clear at the time she was a dachshund, except the breeder swore she was. She just looked like a black ball of fur with an attitude. 
[Ellie chewing my notes while I studied the first week I had her.]

She made it very clear early on that Ellie lived by her own rules. Her first Christmas she ate the ornaments off the bottom of the tree...
....and taking a massive poo while running because she was so excited after her bath. Literally, she never stopped...she just ran and pooped. 
The two of us have gone through a lot together. She lived with me in my first apartment, a townhouse, our house on Duval, and now she has moved to south LA. She rode in the front seat with her head out of the window and went everywhere I went. 

That is...until Jeremy came along. She didn't take well to Jeremy at first. She spent the first night he was at my apartment sitting on the arm of the couch in between us growling at him. But not her vicious growl, because she doesn't have one, but her "I don't like the looks of this" growl. She then growled at him from the center consol the first time she was booted to the back seat, and to this day I still think she is wondering when we are taking him back home. 

But then, not to long into her relationship with Jeremy a few critter arrived. She liked this idea even less than Jeremy.
While appearing to be cute and cuddly Maddie was the holy terror no one was expecting. Ellie saw right through this facade from the beginning. In the first year we had her she ate two dog beds, an unknown amount of toys, a huge hole of drywall, several stairs of carpet, attempted to eat Ellie, and destroyed everything in her radius. Jeremy wanted to get ditch her, but somehow she stayed around. She was the worst puppy ever. 

With Ellie turning 6 in just a few short months I thought it would be fun to look back at pics and do a little "what you should know before buying a dachshund" list. This is a serious list people, you should be fully warned before stepping into this mess.

Things you are not told when "adopting" a dachshund:
- While cute as she may seem, Ellie is Hitler reincarnated. Seriously, he came back as a German dog living in my house. This is the bossiest animal on the planet. If you do anything out of line she lets you know real quick like. Maddie is her little ditzy Nazi minion. 
 -Never leave long sleeve shirts unattended. Curious weenies will try to walk through them. 
 - Mockery is big. They are very much like children. If you don't want them to do it, then don't do it. 
 - In the event you have a frog problem this is the breed for you. Ellie has made it her life goal to rid the world of frogs. If she thinks she hears one you won't be able to convince her to come back in the house for hours. Your neighbors won't appreciate her loud method of yelling obscenities at said frog. 
 -These dogs have endurance. You don't want to share your food? No big deal, they will just wear you down until you give in. Or they will fall asleep trying. Notice Ellie has better stamina than the young blood. 
 -Bed rest is essential for good health. The can sense a pregnant girl on bed rest from miles away. 
 - Cable is a must in the dachshund household. Dachshunds love trashy reality shows. 
 - As you would guess snow is not something a dog this short enjoys. In the event it snows, be prepared to deal with high maintenance whiny dogs all day. 
 - Just to show you how much they hate snow...they are known for destroying tiny snowmen. They really don't take your feelings into consideration. 
 -Although they were initially a hunting breed, they have since evolved way past that. They love outside still, but prefer to observe the neighborhood from the safety of their living rooms with their favorite toys. 
 -Music is good, the louder the better.
 - Forethought is not something they are good at. After a crime has occurred they fully understand what they did. In this instance Maddie destroyed a basket of pine cones, I didn't even have to fuss at her, she just sat really still looking really sad. She knew what she did. 
 - Window seals and window seats are prime dachshund real estate. They are known for climbing up the couch to get to higher less easy to reach window seals to sun bathe from the comfort of their living rooms. Like I said, they don't believe they are outside dogs. 
 - Swimming and bath time go hand in hand. They aren't fans of either. 
 - Tummy time is just as helpful for weenie dogs as it is for babies. They will kick your baby off a mat if it is "their" tummy time. 
 - Like I said, cable is a must. 
 -Dachshunds love fruit. Always keep seasonal fruit in your home, they prefer organic. But save your money, they can't read so they won't know if it isn't organic or not. Ellie just likes to be bossy and organic is another may to assert her Hitler skills. 
 - Like parrots they enjoy being higher up than you are. Don't let them higher up than you are, they get bossier. [little known fact, parrots think they are on your level when they are eye to eye with you, higher they are more dominant, and lower they think you are more dominant]
 - Have plenty of toys, they don't share well. For some reason they alway fall in love with the same toys, this creates tension. 
 - You aren't going anywhere without your weenie dogs. Understand it and accept it. They know what luggage looks like and refuse to let you leave with it and without them.
 - A proper bedtime routine is essential for a good nights sleep. Read them a story and tuck them in, if not they will try to get in bed with you. 
 - Dachshunds prefer to be underground, if this is not an option they will make due with pillows and blankets. 
-When trying to catch a weenie dog a good saying to remember is "when it doubt, bring the cookies out." They don't trust anything you do, but their good sense will soon be forgotten at the sight of Beggin' Strips. Beggin' Strips slogan should be changed to "Dogs don't know it's not bath time." Trust me you could catch a mouse with a hammer faster than you can coax these two out from under the bed. 
Well, I hope everyone learned something here today. Think before you get a weenie dog. They live a long time and are a total pain in the butt. Luckily I enjoy that. 

So tell me, what is something silly your pet does?