I've been holding back from writing too many posts where I'm just chatting, like in the old days of blogging, just for the sake of not coming off as a total nut case.
It's definitely been a tough year though, and for lack of better communication my struggles come off as complaining. I'm not good as getting things across that are negative or stressful and I totally get that.
I did at one time view myself as being someone who could handle a lot of mess. I thought I could conquer the world, now, not so much.
I feel defeated by my job. Disconnected since we moved. Far from family.
Even though the light of graduation is finally at the end of the tunnel I don't feel like we're coming out the way I envisioned it before it happened. Not our relationship, just financially. I'm no longer in the dream world, it's bills, student loans, potential house buying, and kids.
What about kids? Do we have kids? When? How many? You're nearly 30 it is weird to not have kids. Do I only wanted them because of unintentional peer pressure and the need to fit in?
There are several women all living in my brain and I promise you they don't all agree, except when chocolate is involved.
I feel an intense need to explain myself for fear of being misunderstood.
This 2014 Emily is not the Emily I new at the start of 2013.
I was self assured, content in life, positive that I was where God wanted me. I had major fulfillment from serving at First Baptist Thibodaux the way we did. I knew who I was. Even in conflict and watching our bank account empty out I was worry free and knew God would provide. It wasn't even a question.
I knew what he had done before, and I was sure he would do it again.
Finding out my father has cancer and they don't know where it's coming from; coupled with a job where I essentially just hide has caused me to forget who I am and what God has done for me.
Now I'm just en emotional basket case who can hold it together fairly well in front of people.
I can't continue on like this, heck I can already see the physical effects of the long running stress.
I, in all honestly, have got to let go of the rope and stop fretting over what I can't control. God knows, he controls it. When my trust has 100% been in him I am self assured and know that things always work out, and if they don't... they don't.
Back at the end of summer I woke up one morning with this feeling that I was out of the desert. In a completely metaphorical sense. I had been through a tough spell where I was just having to work a lot of things out and I just knew that God was telling me that the more I would cling to him the less I would feel like my soul was in a desert.
Right now I'm forcing myself to have a little "come to Jesus" moment and realize that the promises that God made in his word are still there. Through my mental strife he is there, I just have to let him be there.
Three years ago when Jeremy moved to Thibodaux (5 months before I could) I memorized Proverbs 31:25-26 Strength and honor are her clothing and she laughs at the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom and on her tongue is the law of kindness.
Those verses and a couple in James got me through those months.
Now I'm going to cling to the one above and pray that there is a light at the end of this tunnel that I can face, whether it be what I want or the opposite. I need to face it and be assured that God has his hand in the situations and that everything has it's season.
What verses do you memorize, or have you memorized to get you through tough times?